IAIM Australia welcomes Karen Swan to our writing team. Karen is a parent to a 20-month old toddler. Karen's first article will appear in the August edition of the IAIM newsletter...but here is a sneak-peak:
Should-itis – A Debilitating Ailment for Parents - by Karen SwanAs my son nears his second birthday it is becoming clear to me that once you step ...
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IAIM Australia welcomes Karen Swan to our writing team. Karen is a parent to a 20-month old toddler. Karen's first article will appear in the August edition of the IAIM newsletter...but here is a sneak-peak:
Should-itis – A Debilitating Ailment for Parents - by Karen SwanAs my son nears his second birthday it is becoming clear to me that once you step off the expected parenting path, there is no turning back. Once you find your confidence and switch on your instinct and intuition, you find it’s a voice that demands your attention and will not be silenced.
After taking my first tentative steps onto the road less travelled when my son was an infant, I assumed that I was secure enough in my responsive parenting style not to be swayed by the promise of quick fix, one-size-fits-all parenting options. I assumed wrong. Recently I’ve been plagued with a case of ‘should-
itis’. Battling it once, it would seem, does not offer lifelong immunity.
The use of the word ‘should’ would do well to be banned when it comes to parenting. Trying to live up to the way you ‘should’ be doing things is a sure fire way to diminish or completely obliterate any internal soundtrack. With the experts of the day peddling their ‘shoulds’ and with well-meaning family, friends and even complete strangers quick to extol the virtue of their ‘shoulds’, it’s no wonder we find it impossible to trust our own ability to filter through this stuff and find the truth as it stands for us.
The struggle to do what you should, even if it goes against everything your soul is telling you to do, has much to answer for. It impedes a successful and enjoyable relationship, normalising the strict, routine based approach to infant sleep, feeding and “discipline” methods that have no relevance to the child’s emotional and mental development or readiness.
My recent battle with ‘should-
itis’ has its roots in the fact that I am a stay-at-home mother of an only child. As my son begins to go from pliable infant to energetic, demanding toddler, my internal voice began to pipe up: “He should be socialising with other children!” “He should be doing more activities!” “I should be offering him more opportunities than I can at home!”
Regardless of the fact that I am content in my life at home with my son and instinctively know I am providing him with everything needed to develop into a bright, secure little boy, I listened to the imagined judgement of my peers and enrolled in a myriad of activities that my 20 month old son should be doing.
Feeling I was doing a great disservice to his future if I didn’t put him in classes, I enrolled him in kids’ gym, swimming lessons, playgroups, music and movement. His schedule began to fill up with more activities than I would contemplate undertaking as an adult!
As is always the case when you ignore your intuition or gut feeling, as his activity list grew, so too did my stress levels. Our once (mostly) calm and centred lifestyle became full of time restrictions, traffic, commitment and financial outlay. I would find myself dreading the mornings when we had a class to get to, wanting nothing more than to wake up and let our moods decide how we’d spend the day. Committing to being somewhere on time made me feel like I was back at work, with a sense of being beholden to others and anxious not to disappoint, regardless of the personal cost. The logistics of expecting a toddler to keep a schedule were exhausting and, as it turns out, completely unnecessary.
In the early days I attended an infant massage class which was a key part in helping me find my parenting confidence. I continue to enrol in “classes” with the hope of reliving the validation and dignity I experienced in that group. But, without exception, I only attend once and never go back. Each time I stood in a circle with other mothers and their children and faked my enthusiasm for structured group play, or guided my son to do what was expected when all he wanted to do was the exact opposite to everyone else, I was stepping further and further away from my truth.
In my last attempt at an organised group, I didn’t even attempt to coerce my child into the rhythm of the class. He knew what was going on and wasn’t having a bar of it! Every eye was on me as I “let” him colour in instead of doing the planned activity with the rest of the class. It wasn’t a lack of social skills that was behind his unwillingness to participate, but an instinctive curiosity of his surrounds. At 20 months old, if he doesn’t want to lie under a parachute this very second, that seems fair enough. I have learned to value his emerging will and ability to make his own decisions. I pick my battles. Inciting a full blown tantrum by taking him away from an activity he is engaged in just because the clock said it is time, isn’t my style.
Formal activities are not “bad”. There are many wonderful, uncontrived settings where parents and children can be with other people. Structured activity can also be a wonderful distraction to the repetitive and often isolating job of raising a child. However, I question when it becomes a compulsory
requirement for raising a happy, well rounded human being.
Achievement has become the benchmark of a “successful” child. Yes, we live in a competitive world, but must our children be thrust on that treadmill before they’re even able to walk? Parenting is not a competitive sport and over-achievement in toddlerhood does not guarantee a successful adult life. Yet many of us feel we are not good enough to instil our children with all they need to navigate life.
There seems to be a strange kind of performance indicator based on how many classes your child attends and a badge of honour worn by parents able to lament “I’m just so busy, what with taking (insert child’s name) to soccer, music, gym and tutoring!” To keep up we outsource our children’s play and pay people ‘trained’ in creating smart, successful children; lest they get left behind. Noble and good intentions, but we’re going about it all wrong.
Break down the average day at home with a baby or toddler; you’ll see just how many lessons a child learns by simply ‘being’. Flashcards can’t compete with sitting down and reading stories together. No music lesson comes close to the joy of bashing on pots and pans. Running and climbing outdoors does as much for a child’s motor skills as following the arrows on a fancy indoor obstacle course. The notion that a child who is not socialised, (whatever that actually means), won’t be able to share or interact with others, is largely unfounded.
Children are members of a community called family. In a most families one quickly learns the basic etiquette required of our society. By the time a child lays their little head down at night after a day of doing nothing more than observing the natural rhythm of your day, they have already completed a full curriculum – hygiene, cooking, art, PE, music, reading and nature studies!
Imagine a world of parenting cured of should-
itis. Where energy spent telling parents what they should (or shouldn’t) be doing was channelled into supporting parents to slow down and to parent in a way that makes their hearts sing. Imagine a world where spending the day making daisy chains and looking at clouds was considered the best pre-school education a child could have. Imagine a world where parents looked to each other for support and guidance, not to see if they’re keeping up or being left behind. A child raised free from the guilt created by should-
itis can only grow into a thriving young person with an open and curious mind, and the ability to make their own decisions. Removing the word ‘should’ from parenting means parenting in truth as it stands for you. Doing it your way, unapologetically, naturally creates strength of belief. We are the very best models to our children. We are enough.
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